Top Eleven things I don’t want to hear behind me at church

10. “Boo-oooo!”

9. “The pastor looks really cute today.”

8. “Mommy, my tummy doesn’t feel good. I think I’m gonna throw uh—erpleeeeeck!” (Accompanied by a splashing sound against my seat.)

7. “Hey there, ladies… nice bibles. You come here often?”

6. “Zzzzzzzzzz…”

5. “Sweet! I just scored the last Krispy Kreme at the snack table.”

4. “He’s good, but he’s no Joyce Meyer.”

3. “Dang it, I grabbed my Bhagavad-Gita by mistake. The Message Bible is still in the Prius next to my yoga mat.”

2. “You think they’ll mind if I use the offering basket to break a five?”

1. “I can’t see the pulpit. The guy in front of me has a melon that could show up on Google Earth.”

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